Genocide
by Lady Serpentine
Summary: Drizzt gets charged for genocide and goes to Elaith for help. Story degenerates from there. Footnotes, Harry Potter characters, character bashing, slash, stupid dirty humour, references to Monty Python and more. La.


Drizzt Do'Urden was incredibly embarrassed.

Across from him, smooth, suave Elaith Craulnober [1] looked down his nose at the paperwork on the desk. His thin lips compressed into an even thinner line, and Drizzt had the distinct impression the moon elf didn't know whether to frown, or start laughing.

"So it says here," Elaith murmured, leaning forward; if he had a pair of glasses, he would have straightened them out on his nose for effect, "that you are being charged for attempted… homicide?"

"Genocide, specifically," Drizzt said stiffly.

"Yes…" Elaith said, picking up the legal document and ruffling the pages, "yes, genocide."

"It's ridiculous," Drizzt said grumpily, his shoulders slumping, "I'm just trying to do the world a favour-"

"Have you considered taking therapy?" Elaith interrupted genially.

"… What?"

"You have to admit, this habit of attempting to exterminate the orcish race…" Elaith clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth in motherly disapproval. "It's rather disturbing, isn't it? If you admit you have a problem the court will be kinder."

"I don't have a _problem_," Drizzt said angrily.

"Yes, well, that's what Voldemort said," Elaith said. "And if you haven't noticed, he's on probation and is by law required to take group therapy."

"Who?" Drizzt was confused.

Elaith changed the subject.

"As I was saying," the slender, gallant elf continued, freeing a sheet of paper from the bunch and sliding it over to Drizzt, "if you can admit you have a problem, you'll get off lightly, because the court will look upon you as a victim. However, if you continue to be so, well, shall we say… _right wing_, I'm afraid you'll be forced into therapy and considered a case of insanity. Either that or you might be jailed for racial discrimination, which goes against the Code of Racial Equality for all of Toril."

"I did _not _vote for that code to go into affect," Drizzt protested. "I didn't even know it passed!"

"Still, majority won over." Elaith picked up a quill and began to search through the documents. Drizzt fumed.

"I could find another lawyer," Drizzt began mutinously.

"You wouldn't." Elaith said without looking up.

"I would," Drizzt insisted, "one that doesn't demand an arm and a leg for their services."

Elaith tipped his head to the side and stared at Drizzt. Drizzt stared back. Since it was the sort of battle of wills that tended to take hours, however, and time was money, Elaith just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I'm the best out there," Elaith said with a smirk, "I did Alustriel's case last year, remember?" [2]

"Very true," Drizzt admitted.

"Besides," Elaith added, "who else would you go to? Danilo Thann?" [3]

"I could try Jarlaxle," Drizzt said thoughtfully.

"He'd be dragged out of the courtroom for indecency. You're stuck with me unless you want to lose, Do'Urden."

Drizzt sighed.

The door to the office thudded open and a tall, graceful man walked in. It was difficult to place his age - he was youthful, but he had an aged air about him. Kind of like Leonardo da Vinci, if he had been, well, tall and graceful, and it had been difficult to place his age. And it probably would have helped if, along with all that, Leonardo da Vinci was alive, mayherestinpeace. [4]

"Get out, Lucius," Elaith said.

Drizzt half-turned in his chair, "Another client?"

"Sort of," Elaith said edgily. "He's trying to dodge Azkaban."

"Go me!" Lucius said, inexplicably eating a lollipop he had most likely stolen from a baby out in the park. They could hear a distant wailing coming through the window from outside. Lucius attempted to look innocent.

There was a long pause.

"… What good mother gives her baby hard candy they can choke on, damn it?" Lucius asked in the silence. "Filled with an unhealthy amount of sugar, no less. I'm merely looking out for the general public."

Elaith had another stack of paper out on his desk in less than a second and was sifting through it. He read off a page he extracted from the others. "Unless you are drunk, Lucius, in which case 'you cause scenes of horror and mass destruction, including the unlawful physical control of non-magic peoples' in public places."

"I'm English," Lucius said, "I like to celebrate at sports competitions, thank you."

"Get out of my office and go terrorize someone else." Elaith ordered wearily.

"I'm merely here as an excuse to flaunt my attraction, I'm not _terrorizing_." Lucius purred silkily.

"You're only here because the author adores you," Elaith said shrewdly.

Lucius brightened. "I know, isn't it _great_?"

"… What?" Drizzt asked, lacking the knowledge of the beautifully extensive Potterverse and very confused by it all.

Downstairs, Catti-brie screamed. Drizzt, ever the hero, rushed down to the rescue.

"Why does he bother?" Lucius asked, puzzled. "The risk of death gets higher with every book and he _still _rushes to the rescue."

"I think he's got life insurance," Elaith said wisely.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Catti-brie was still screaming. There was apparently no real reason for it, except to use as some sort of turning point to get him into the kitchen. Drizzt would have gone downstairs to go to the washroom, anyway, but this was the quicker route.

"Oh, you're here," Catti-brie said, and stopped screaming. There was a ruggedly handsome man at the kitchen table drinking milk from the carton.

"I used to wonder why Elaith had his office in a house instead of a business building," the man mused, "but why does Fudge have an office at the Leaky Cauldron? I fear this world is too complicated for me."

"Who the hell are you?" Drizzt asked.

"Lord Voldemort," the man-that-looked-like-a-ranger said, peering into his now-empty milk carton and pondering the wonders of calcium, "You can call me DL, however."

"Oh," Drizzt said, "are you genocidal too?"

"… Sort of." Voldemort said. "And a little homicidal as well."

"He wants to kill a teenage boy, apparently," Catti-brie said. "That's when I began screaming."

"There's nothing wrong with that." Voldemort said. "Goddess, everyone's against me. I should just pretend his name is 'Bill' instead of 'Harry' and no one would care. You want to kill someone named Bill, hey; they give you a sword and send you on your way. But if it's Harry, oh, there's a _problem_ with that…"

There was a crash upstairs.

"It's only a flesh wound!" Elaith was shouting.

Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"So, how's your case going, lover?" Catti-brie cooed, draping herself on Drizzt. Voldemort made a gagging sound.

Drizzt smiled and nuzzled his one true love. "If I plead insanity, then I get off."

Voldemort pitied Drizzt for being such a naïve little genocidal prick, and also pitied him for having that redhead draped over him. Voldemort preferred blondes, much to Lucius' pleasure. [5]

"And that is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped," said a voice. And another Drizzt Do'Urden strode into the room.

There was a long silence.

"Whoah, hey, there are two of you!" said Raistlin Majere in a brief cameo. Voldemort grabbed his competition by the back of the neck and threw him out.

"Why are there two Drizzt Do'Urdens?" Catti-brie asked, lip trembling. Sensing angst, Drizzt #1 said, "can we take this to the living room, please?"

They did. Voldemort stayed behind in the kitchen to play with a bunch of matches he had found.

Drizzt #2 promptly left, giggling, and saying, "Enjoy my book series, Clone."

That left for a lot of angsting with Catti-brie and Drizzt on the couch. Gushy romance, however, was cut short when a starved-looking young man suddenly fell out from behind a curtain spread across the front window.

"Ow," Sirius Black said, and looked as if he was about to cry.

Lucius descended the stairs grandly, having left Elaith twitching upstairs [6]. He froze on the landing, however, and locked eyes with his cousin-in-law.

"Shouldn't you be in Azkaban?" Sirius demanded.

"I did not want to go," Lucius said flippantly, "it is a silly place."

"Actually, it's only a model," Sirius said.

"Did you just beat up my lawyer?" Drizzt suddenly demanded. He stood up and drew his scimitars, one of which began to glow a soft, deadly blue.

"Be careful, orcs are about!" Sirius shrieked, and tackled Lucius behind the couch.

"That's Sting, you idiot!" Elaith called from upstairs.

Sirius got to his feet. "Sorry," he said.

"You did this at Azkaban, too," Lucius said irritably, "Honestly… 'Don't hurt me, I don't have the Ring!' do you have a social life at all?" [7]

Catti-brie had her sword out as well.

"You can't hurt me, I'm already partially dead," Sirius said triumphantly. Catti-brie neatly lopped off half his hair.

"Jesus Christ!" Lucius cried in a heavy English accent, "Run away, run away!"

And away they ran. [8]

"So how does this incredibly stupid story end, Drizzt?" Catti-brie asked (with the usual perfect pronunciation), her lips just moments away from Drizzt's.

Drizzt smiled, "With a kiss," he said.

"That asshole stole my fucking line," Captain Hook said.

===

FOOTNOTES:

[1] Not only suave, but also sassy. Unfortunately, that just makes him sound more girly than he already is, so I edited it out. Only I didn't, because look! Footnotes. Heheh. Sucker.

[2] Lady Alustriel had been initially fined 2 million and given the sentence of two years in prison after it was discovered she was the secret head behind a heavy network of child brothels all over Calimport and area. She managed to get off with only paying five thousand with Elaith's aid; unfortunately, she still had to spend a month in prison and is currently enduring a five year parole.

[3] He lost his last case because he was too busy writing a song about his client, a homicidal maniac with blue eyes.

[4] That was SO damn useless and I know it.

[5] Not as slashy as you might think. Voldemort does NOT fancy Lucius. Rather, he fancies Draco. And we all know Draco's more womanly than his father and Cher _combined_.

[6] Not like THAT, you perverts! nervous eyes darting Well… maybe.

[7] Due to the fact my mental version of Voldemort looks like Aragorn, Sirius experienced difficulty with this as well. He had cried, "Don't you have a KINGDOM to run? You prat!" before realizing what he had done. 

[8] Presumably to have hot angry!sex due to the conflictions between their characters and their undeniable sexiness.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

This incredibly stupid story is, well… incredibly stupid. But that's A OKAY!

(It actually had a point at one time. Then again, so did Salvatore's books. Ah, pine away for the good ole days.)

If you had noticed at all, I rabidly ripped off Monty Python and some other things. I also made fun of the Two Drizzt Theory I hold, Raistlin Majere, and I warped my dearly beloved versions of Harry Potter Characters. So go read my HP fan fiction because it's better. Now! And that was not random advertising. I swear. .

Um. Yes.

So. I'm off to go bounce about in the Harry Potter Universe now, because every time I come back to FR, things seem to have degenerated. And I just try and help it to do so. Shyahah.

Copyright are the usual.

The frizzy-haired author sat at her computer desk and stared.

"I can't believe I just wrote that piece of shit," she said.

"I can," said Voldemort.


End file.
